Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Why Old Women Hold Dolls

Women's arms are made to hold things. They hold dirty laundry and then clean laundry. They hold wiggling dogs. They hold clean dishes to put away. They hold fresh picked peas. They hold a Bible. They hold trash out of the backseat of the car. They hold shoes left outside. They hold everyone's coats on a turned out to be a hot day. They hold half drank bottles of soda.
They hold a heavy bookbag. They hold grocery bags. They hold a Thanksgiving turkey. They hold a crying friend. And sometimes they hold yourself as you rock to the rythmn of an internal sorrow.

But the absolute best thing that a woman's arms can hold is her child. A skinned knee, broken hearted , made the team, leaving home child. Nothing can take the place of the warmth that comes from your child......the wet spot on your shoulder from drool or tears. Nothing can fit in your arms or your heart like your child. And when they are not there, or not into the holding scene.......a vast emptiness overtakes the body and soul. The arms hold an empty space.

So old women hold baby dolls. They fit in your arms like a child. They smell more like rubber than lotion or after shave, and don't get your clothes wet, but at least your arms have something to wrap around. And your mind can wander and remember the holding days.

Gotta go........Going to Walmart to get a Baby doll.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


I lost an old friend this last week. I knew she was going. You could tell by looking at her, and it was also down in black and white that she did not have long. The week before she went I found myself dreaming about her. About visits we had, and what she had given me during the years. I told my husband that I could not believe that I was so over the edge about her departure that I would actually dream about her.

She passed this last Sunday. I still find myself thinking about going by and seeing her. Just can't imagine what I will do without her. She was so convenient for me. Walmart is across town.

K Mart closed. What a Comfort Friend she was.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Life for Dummies

I woke up this AM (Thank God) thinking about when my boys were younger. And cried. I would really like a second chance. Not that they turned out bad. In fact, for being on the autoraised pilot they all have done quite well. I do not believe in reincarnation. But I certainly would appreciate a chance to come back as a young mother again.......with the same children of course. Values would be different. More memories would be made. Getting old sucks. Can't we live life over? Why is an important thing such as living only a once in a lifetime deal? We can take the SATs, ACTs over and over. We can repeat classes that we fail. We can redo a driver's test. We can even get a divorce and remarry. So why can we not relive? This is the one thing that can really count......and it is a one time shot. If you do not get it right the first time, you are screwed. Don't you think something this important should have second chances?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Stop the World, I think I have Fallen Off.

It has been a while. My husband is no longer an Atheist. However the other "A" word he still remains. But sometimes we need the "A" around. If something my husband says bothers you (like it does me sometimes) then you have to step back, wade through the verbage, and first say "Does he have a point?" And if the answer is NO......then you can say "that asshole". But if the answer is "yes", then you say "what needs to be done".

If you think you are always right, and always know God's view and need no rebuke from the "A', then you have stopped and smelled too many roses. An always right attitude will screw with you every time.

When we try to put words in God"s mouth.......or rather put our slant on the words already spoken, we are making a mockery of God.

And this is for the person that told me my son was going to hell for saying "Oh Shit" when being hit with mortars on his base in Iraq. (not that you will ever read it.....but I will have the satisfaction of writing it). I grew up in a legalistic Church. I grew up thinking that God may have saved me, but to remain saved I had to dress, act, and do things myself to keep my salvation or that Great Backslide In the SKy would get me. I felt the more rigid and self restrictive life style that I led, the better Christian I was. Mockery. God did not need my long hair, colorless fingernails, holeless ears, dress wearing self to get me into Heaven. Jesus did all that was needed years ago. And you, sir, are very wrong and very ignorant to tell me that if my saved son had of been hit by the mortar and died that he would have went to hell because he said "Oh shit" when he heard it coming in. What a sad and troubled life you must lead. If you need to live a rigid miserable life to feel like a christian, go ahead. But do not dare to tell me that if I do not believe the way you do I am going to hell. Your type has run many people away from the church. And how many times have you left because you felt you could not live up to the standards. God does not need standards to save you. He did what He needed to do. And there is nothing else that needs to be done but to accept.

Now I do believe that you can go too far the other way and think that all things are permissible. This is where the individuality of God's power comes in. God will not work with you the same way He deals with me. For me to say my way is right, or you to say your way is right is stupid. There are absolutes in the Bible that I think we all can agree on.......but there is a lot that is open to interpretation and it is a bit prideful on your part to think that your spin on the Word is correct.

We need to spend more time on "show me Lord what I must do to be saved" than telling others where they are wrong.

And yes, I know that the above statement fits my other half (actually lower, posterior part). He is very vocal in pointing out other's faults. But sometimes in life we need that friend to tell us that our new hair do is crappy, the new outfit makes us look mega fat, and that casserole sucked. Nice isn't always the path. Many times in the Bible God's man told others things they did not like, and did not always do it in a polite way. Go figure.

Be educated enough to listen, assess, determine, and act on what you are told. Of course do not take what everyone says to be truthful...........you will be like a citizen of Jim Jonestown. When you hear something ask "Lord is it you speaking to me?"

We have lost some friends this last year............and I wonder if the friendship was ever really there to start with. Obviously I was the chopped liver in the situation as they got mad at my husband, but cut off communication with me. Go figure.

One last thought......for those that try to make bed partners out of religion and politics.......look for a quickie divorce. God can not be reduced to a political party. He does not play favorites. It is so interesting that those who condemned my husband for speaking bad about "the president" and not supporting him........now say the same type of comments about the current pres. There goes that beam and sliver syndrome. There are stupid people that are Rep and Dem. Some that should never have been elected to office. Then there are those that do not believe the way we do, but make good decisions for our country. I for one do not care if you are a Buddist with 12 wives that refuses blood transfusions...if you can get us out of war, and get jobs back, you got my vote. Go figure.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Have It Your Way

Life is nothing but a continous chain of choices. Each link represents a decision you have made....some are strong and some are weak.

My husband (the "A"......could stand for athetist or asshole....both said with a deep affection) asked the other night "if God knew He would have to send Jesus to die for man's sins, why put THE TREE in THE GARDEN?" My answer was, of course, free will. Servitude out of choice is more desirable than a mandate to serve. I asked him which gave more pleasure.....my coming home and spontaneously saying "I Love You", or him saying to me "Delores I Love You", and me going "yeah I love you too". One I elected to say; the other was more like an automated response.

Some choices are a no brainer......or rather should be. I don't have to eat slop to know that it tastes bad. I don't have to smoke crack to know it is addictive. I don't have to bathe in the sewer to know that I'll stink. And I DO NOT have to read my husband's blogspot to know that it is full of crap.

Sometimes we make choices and then want to blame others. Scenario: City workers have blocked off a portion of a road due to numerous pot holes. The sign says "Detour...Road in bad repair. You will not like traveling this road". But we (and only God knows why) go around the sign and speed down the road. bump,bump,bump...there goes the alignment, oops there goes the oil pan....... When we come out the other side the worse for the wear, we call the mayor and complain about that Horrible road we just traveled on and how bad it made us feel. We tell him we just cannot believe that he would allow those kind of roads in this city. ARE WE STUPID??? The warning was there. We were forwarned that the road was not fit for travel. But it was our decision to go around that warning and speed on down. Then we had the nerve to want to complain to the owner of the road about its bad condition. Why did we not heed the sign? Are we like the dog that returns to its vomit?? Are we FOOLS?

We have to be careful of choices. The decisions sowed will reflect upon the harvest reaped. I think many of us would undo some of the options we picked. We would agree with Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood............

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

"Yet knowing how way leads on to way".....a chain of choices that all link together. Oh, You will have it your way.......just make sure you want that harvest.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


I have been thinking a lot about God and Christians these last few weeks. My thoughts were prompted by what the Episcopalian minister put in the newspaper the week of Easter. He said Christians ought to spend more time building bridges of reconciliation instead of walls of separation around them.

That comment of course led me to reflect on my own situation (as if I don't 24/7). My support in this time has come from my "non Christian" friends.....by that I mean the ones that I have a work relationship with, those that I do not "discuss" God with. All the friends that I have that proclaim that they love God and are good Christains have left me standing alone. Even the minister that pastored the church we were attending at the time of my husband's "revelation", who told me that he would still consider himself my pastor, has not contacted me after that fateful visit with my husband. He knows where I work....I have worked here 22 years. He has visited with me at my job. I wonder why I have not gotten a word of support from him? Other "christians" have been quick to throw down my husband, but have not called to check on me or to give me an encouraging word. Sad.

So I have to first ask if I have been guilty of the same.....and I probably have. God forgive me. Then I am ashamed of myself for needing or wanting the support of others. Should I not be able to stand as a Christian on my own two feet?

I am ashamed of myself and I am ashamed of those that call themselves Christians. My husband, the out of the closet athetist, says that religion does nothing but "mess" people up. How can I prove him wrong? His best ammunition is coming from the Christian community. And I feel like I am the one that is getting shot, with no protection, day after day after day afterdayafterdayafterday.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Losing..........Chapter 2

Collateral Damage......That which is incidental to the intended outcome. Usually associtated with battle.

2 of my sons have "found out" about their father. Relationships that had been shakey at best are now a pulverized pile of.......crap. In an effort to reform their father, they have decided to "tough love" him out of his ideology. This consists of not allowing him to see his grandchildren until he "sees the light".

While I do not agree with my husband's thoughts, I also do not agree with these actions of my sons. So I have put my self on restrictions as well. No matter what my husband believes, this does not remove from him his grandfather's heart. I will not see my grandchildren without their grandfather with me.

I asked them did they think this all the way through? What did they think I was going to do about this? My staying with their father does not mean that I support him in his actions. It means that besides obeying scripture, I have a 33 year committment that I do not run out on. Actually it seems now that I am the only person who has not run out on him. Support...I do not get from anyone. What I once got pleasure from has been removed....at my choosing I will admit.

Collateral Damage....it seems in my sons' efforts to win this war they forgot about me. Or do not care.