I was anticipating losing somethings in this new year.........about 5 inches off the waist, some grey out of the hair, some bills. But what I have lost is something I would have never thought. I have lost my husband. Oh, he didn't physically die or anything like that. I could have understood that pain. The man I have been married to for 33 years, who has pastored 4 churches, and was CEO of the Christian organization that we started told me just after Christmas that he was an atheist. Now that bomb was not dropped without warning. I was getting hit with shrapnel before this. He had previously commented that he was having a hard time proving the existence of God.
My logical husband is very "proof" oriented. He can not accept the "just because" phrase that we mothers use when all else fails. One if his favorite phrases to use in commenting on people is that most are "koolaide drinkers". Now I grew up on koolaide, and didn't think of it as a negative thing. I admit that I am a passive person. I do not like to react to things without standing back and taking a good look. I have told my husband that he need not criticize these characteristics, as these traits are what have kept me with him for 33 years.
And I will stay with him for 33 more years. I do not believe in leaving a committment. But now I do believe in praying that this committment gets knocked off/on its ass much like Saul on the Damascus road.
My loss is real. Dreams that I once had are at this point vanished. My husband has not become a bad man. He if anything treats me with more respect and care than before. But some of the ties that bound us together have been severed. He said these thoughts had tormented him for years......that he had been trying to live a life that he did not believe in. And now that he has "gone public" he feels a freedom and a release. His release has become my bondage. I do not want anyone to live a hypocritical life.............no one should have to be something they are not. But for the logical mind it is evident that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. His was the action, mine is the reaction.
Now he can present some debates on the nonexistence of God. You would really have to "know your stuff" to go toe to toe with him. Most leave wanting to go toe to butt with him. I do not debate. Takes too much time and energy. When he tells me that you can not logically prove the existence of God, I respond that not all things can or need to be proved. I tell him that for me to stay married to him is totally illogical and can he explain why I should ? (without the use of scriptures because after all he does not believe in the Bible...can't use what you do not believe). Do I stay with him for the great paying job he has? Do I stay with him for the great sex life? Do I stay with him because he is such a handy man to have around the house? No, no, and no. I stay with him becasue there is something inside me that loves him....unexplainable by human standards. I also tell him that the feelings I have on Earth believing in God and an afterlife makes getting up each morning worthwhile. If there were no God or Heaven, and this life was all there was, I would have no reason or joy in getting up each day and might as well die now. But when I die, if there is a God, I will reap the benefits of Heaven. So believing in God benefits me here on Earth and in Heaven. Win/win for me. However for him......not believing in God may make him feel good on Earth, but when he dies and might stand before God, he loses. Win/lose for him.
But there are times when my win/win spirit feels nothing but loss/loss.
And this loss was not what I had intended for this year.
But let my Prayer always be....Lord what are YOUR intentions for me.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Bad to the Bone
To the fans of the movie "The Terminator", the song lyrics "bad to the bone" evoke an image of Arnold Swartzeneggar dressed in black leather, sunglasses, riding a motorcycle. Just one glimpse and you knew he was the real thing.
When something is said to be "to the bone", it is interpreted as being completely involved. The subject in question is totally encompassed and permeated.
Have you ever reached into a bag of peaches and as you grabbed an overly ripe one, the skin peeled back? Some people wear their Christianity like an overly ripe peach peel. They are Christ like when things are going great, but when a little pressure gets applied, that likeness gets stripped away.
Do we have Christ to the bone? How involved is Jesus in our lives? Is He superficial, or does He saturate our existence? Jesus can not be just a part of our life. His desire is that He be "to the bone".....the all encompassing. all involved. all permeating Lord.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, and I am the clay.
Mould me an make me After Thy will,
While I am waiting Yielded and still.
When something is said to be "to the bone", it is interpreted as being completely involved. The subject in question is totally encompassed and permeated.
Have you ever reached into a bag of peaches and as you grabbed an overly ripe one, the skin peeled back? Some people wear their Christianity like an overly ripe peach peel. They are Christ like when things are going great, but when a little pressure gets applied, that likeness gets stripped away.
Do we have Christ to the bone? How involved is Jesus in our lives? Is He superficial, or does He saturate our existence? Jesus can not be just a part of our life. His desire is that He be "to the bone".....the all encompassing. all involved. all permeating Lord.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, and I am the clay.
Mould me an make me After Thy will,
While I am waiting Yielded and still.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"Just like a Tree...."
One evening we took a walk along the river with some visiting friends. It was a quiet, relaxing, scenic activity that was suitable for the end of a long day.
At this particular time, the water level of the river was significantly lower than usual. This had left exposed to view the roots of the trees that grew along the riverbank. These massive roots were so intertangled that is was difficult to determine which root belonged to which tree. Looking at the combined strength of these roots, it was apparent what had held these trees in place over the years. A lone tree could not have withstood the surging power of the flowing water; however, as a combined unit they could withstand the force of floods and the river debris that rammed into them. What was the weakness of the one became the strength of many.
This is true of the fellowship of belivers. We do not all have the same assets and liabilities. My weakness is someone else's strength. We are able to overcome adversity by unity with others of like faith.
Exodus chapter 17 speaks about Israel's battle against Amalek. Verse 11 tells of Moses on top of a hill and when his hands were held up, Israel prevailed. But when Moses let his hands down, Amalek prevailed. Verse 12 talks about Moses becoming tired...."but Moses' hands were
heavy". It was them that Aaron and Hur "supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." The battle was won not because of the strength and obedience of one man. The enemy was defeated because when one believer became weak in his battle for the Lord, others came to his side and let their strengths pick up where his weakness left off.
As believers we are not to let diversity be a divider. Instead the uniqueness of each person is a
strength that will bind us together.
"If I trust Him ever, I shall not be moved
In His love I'm hiding, I shall not be moved
Just like a tree planted by the waters,
Lord, I shall not be moved."
At this particular time, the water level of the river was significantly lower than usual. This had left exposed to view the roots of the trees that grew along the riverbank. These massive roots were so intertangled that is was difficult to determine which root belonged to which tree. Looking at the combined strength of these roots, it was apparent what had held these trees in place over the years. A lone tree could not have withstood the surging power of the flowing water; however, as a combined unit they could withstand the force of floods and the river debris that rammed into them. What was the weakness of the one became the strength of many.
This is true of the fellowship of belivers. We do not all have the same assets and liabilities. My weakness is someone else's strength. We are able to overcome adversity by unity with others of like faith.
Exodus chapter 17 speaks about Israel's battle against Amalek. Verse 11 tells of Moses on top of a hill and when his hands were held up, Israel prevailed. But when Moses let his hands down, Amalek prevailed. Verse 12 talks about Moses becoming tired...."but Moses' hands were
heavy". It was them that Aaron and Hur "supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." The battle was won not because of the strength and obedience of one man. The enemy was defeated because when one believer became weak in his battle for the Lord, others came to his side and let their strengths pick up where his weakness left off.
As believers we are not to let diversity be a divider. Instead the uniqueness of each person is a
strength that will bind us together.
"If I trust Him ever, I shall not be moved
In His love I'm hiding, I shall not be moved
Just like a tree planted by the waters,
Lord, I shall not be moved."
Saturday, January 19, 2008
And Speaking For The Defense..........
Last November my husband and I attended the National Conference on Christian Apologetics in Charlotte, North Carolina. We were priviledged to hear some of the foremost defenders of the faith......Josh and Sean McDowell, John Ankerberg, Norman Geisler, Chuck Colson. However, it was the speaker my husband heard on the journey home that made the greatest impact.
We had stopped for a visit at my son's home in South Carolina. It was there on a Sunday morning that my husband, ever inquisitive, decided to attend the nearby community church. The story he told upon his return stirred me from within.
He said it was a humble church. It wasn't an architectural achievement like the building we had just visited in Charlotte. Many of the congregation would not have been welcomed in some churches. They appeared to be the outcasts of religious society. Before beginning his message, the pastor asked if anyone had a special song they wanted to sing. A young lady stood up. Her physical appearance was that of someone familiar with street life. With head downcast and looking no one in the face, she stepped from the pew and walked to the front of the church. She carried with her a grocery bag filled with what seemed to be her belongings. When she reached the front, she sat the sack down and opened a hymnal. She began to read these words:
Amazing grace! how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.
With her head still bowed, she concluded by saying "I thank Jesus that He saved me".
God spoke to my husband's spirit and told him that this was the message people needed to hear. God said of all that we had heard this weekend, this Truth was the greatest.
Now, I am not a theologian. I can't debate the existence of God. I can, however, identify with the beggar in John chapter 9 who had been blind from birth. The disciples questioned Jesus as to the reason for this man's blindness. They wanted to know who had sinned....he or his parents. Jesus replied that sin was not the reason. His blindness was so the the works of God could be displayed. Jesus then spit on the ground, made some clay, applied it to the beggar's blinded eyes, and commanded that he go wash in the pool at Saloam. When the beggar returned, his eyesight had been restored. The religious society became upset. They questioned who this man was that performed this sign. If Jesus had been of God, surely He would not have performed this work on the Sabbath. But if a sinner, how could He have power to do this? They asked the man who had been given back his sight and he replied, "Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that whereas I was blind, now I see".
He wasn't a theologian either. He couldn't argue who Jesus was. All he could testify about is what happened when he felt the touch of Jesus.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.
And this is the greatest Truth that any of us will ever know.
Amen.
We had stopped for a visit at my son's home in South Carolina. It was there on a Sunday morning that my husband, ever inquisitive, decided to attend the nearby community church. The story he told upon his return stirred me from within.
He said it was a humble church. It wasn't an architectural achievement like the building we had just visited in Charlotte. Many of the congregation would not have been welcomed in some churches. They appeared to be the outcasts of religious society. Before beginning his message, the pastor asked if anyone had a special song they wanted to sing. A young lady stood up. Her physical appearance was that of someone familiar with street life. With head downcast and looking no one in the face, she stepped from the pew and walked to the front of the church. She carried with her a grocery bag filled with what seemed to be her belongings. When she reached the front, she sat the sack down and opened a hymnal. She began to read these words:
Amazing grace! how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.
With her head still bowed, she concluded by saying "I thank Jesus that He saved me".
God spoke to my husband's spirit and told him that this was the message people needed to hear. God said of all that we had heard this weekend, this Truth was the greatest.
Now, I am not a theologian. I can't debate the existence of God. I can, however, identify with the beggar in John chapter 9 who had been blind from birth. The disciples questioned Jesus as to the reason for this man's blindness. They wanted to know who had sinned....he or his parents. Jesus replied that sin was not the reason. His blindness was so the the works of God could be displayed. Jesus then spit on the ground, made some clay, applied it to the beggar's blinded eyes, and commanded that he go wash in the pool at Saloam. When the beggar returned, his eyesight had been restored. The religious society became upset. They questioned who this man was that performed this sign. If Jesus had been of God, surely He would not have performed this work on the Sabbath. But if a sinner, how could He have power to do this? They asked the man who had been given back his sight and he replied, "Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that whereas I was blind, now I see".
He wasn't a theologian either. He couldn't argue who Jesus was. All he could testify about is what happened when he felt the touch of Jesus.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.
And this is the greatest Truth that any of us will ever know.
Amen.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Leaving On a Green Bus
"God shall supply all your needs"
These words are painted in large white letters on a weathered fence board somewhere in East Texas.
I am ashamed to admit to my first reaction upon catching sight of these words. (Even more mortified to know it isn't an unusual response for me.) Unbidden, the thoughts had flashed through my mind "Oh Great! This is a GOD WARNING. Something is going to happen and I will need to trust God to get through it....what will it be??? a flat tire? engine trouble? a wreck? The more I pondered the bigger the potential problems grew.
Then God did a mental thump. I suddenly knew what my needs were. I am guilty of focusing on those things that can be seen and touched. Needs, however, are not limited to monetary purchases or physical achievements. Needs encompass the whole person. They are not only physical, but emtional, mental, and even spiritual. At that moment God scraped off the pheripheral and focused my attention on needs I had not allowed myself to acknowledge.
Earlier that morning at Fort Hood my husband and I had dropped our son off near a long line of Army buses. He was being sent back to Iraq for the second time. I had never experienced a 'drop off ' before. Father's were kissing babies good-bye, while other childern were holding tightly to Daddy's leg. Wives--some pregnant--were looking into husband's eyes, making them promise to come home safely. Some of the tearful were like us--mothers and fathers. Parents with memories of a small child, now all grown up and wearing a uniform.
As I readily admit, I do not favor finding myself in situations I can not control. This would qualify as one of those times. Because of this I chose to take all of my fear, anger, anxiety and bury them under the guise of self control and assurance. I tried to convince myself that what I could refuse to acknowledge, would not exist. Inwardly, however, the pain was crippling. When you awaken at 2 am, the thoughts you are able to banish during the daytime creep into your consciousness. I would lie in bed and squeeze my eyes tightly shut as hot tears would drip off my nose. The thoughts of losing a son was a hot pain in my heart.
God knew that I could not last 15 months in denial. I was in need of emotional sustanence and mental uplifting. I needed a sipritual reminder of Who was in charge. The world I tried to control was a quagmire surrounding the Rock I was kneeling upon. My sanity was dependant upon my Firm Foundation. In a brief moment, God guided me from the unknown to the known. From the pheripheral to the core. From the alpha to the omega. And He was there for the complete journey. He WAS the journey.
"God shall supply all your needs"
My needs were emotional, mental, and spiritual. I needed courage, comfort, and counsel. God opened my eyes to my needs, and then supplied those needs.
Gensis 8:1 says "And God remembered Noah..." Well, that morning in East Texas God remembered Delores.
Thank you, Jesus.
PS This son returned home Wednesday January 9th. Why my son returned and some mothers's sons did not, I can't answer. I don't even know if there is one.
These words are painted in large white letters on a weathered fence board somewhere in East Texas.
I am ashamed to admit to my first reaction upon catching sight of these words. (Even more mortified to know it isn't an unusual response for me.) Unbidden, the thoughts had flashed through my mind "Oh Great! This is a GOD WARNING. Something is going to happen and I will need to trust God to get through it....what will it be??? a flat tire? engine trouble? a wreck? The more I pondered the bigger the potential problems grew.
Then God did a mental thump. I suddenly knew what my needs were. I am guilty of focusing on those things that can be seen and touched. Needs, however, are not limited to monetary purchases or physical achievements. Needs encompass the whole person. They are not only physical, but emtional, mental, and even spiritual. At that moment God scraped off the pheripheral and focused my attention on needs I had not allowed myself to acknowledge.
Earlier that morning at Fort Hood my husband and I had dropped our son off near a long line of Army buses. He was being sent back to Iraq for the second time. I had never experienced a 'drop off ' before. Father's were kissing babies good-bye, while other childern were holding tightly to Daddy's leg. Wives--some pregnant--were looking into husband's eyes, making them promise to come home safely. Some of the tearful were like us--mothers and fathers. Parents with memories of a small child, now all grown up and wearing a uniform.
As I readily admit, I do not favor finding myself in situations I can not control. This would qualify as one of those times. Because of this I chose to take all of my fear, anger, anxiety and bury them under the guise of self control and assurance. I tried to convince myself that what I could refuse to acknowledge, would not exist. Inwardly, however, the pain was crippling. When you awaken at 2 am, the thoughts you are able to banish during the daytime creep into your consciousness. I would lie in bed and squeeze my eyes tightly shut as hot tears would drip off my nose. The thoughts of losing a son was a hot pain in my heart.
God knew that I could not last 15 months in denial. I was in need of emotional sustanence and mental uplifting. I needed a sipritual reminder of Who was in charge. The world I tried to control was a quagmire surrounding the Rock I was kneeling upon. My sanity was dependant upon my Firm Foundation. In a brief moment, God guided me from the unknown to the known. From the pheripheral to the core. From the alpha to the omega. And He was there for the complete journey. He WAS the journey.
"God shall supply all your needs"
My needs were emotional, mental, and spiritual. I needed courage, comfort, and counsel. God opened my eyes to my needs, and then supplied those needs.
Gensis 8:1 says "And God remembered Noah..." Well, that morning in East Texas God remembered Delores.
Thank you, Jesus.
PS This son returned home Wednesday January 9th. Why my son returned and some mothers's sons did not, I can't answer. I don't even know if there is one.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Eagles Have Flown
After rereading the prior blog, I have arrived at the conclusion that I should be ashamed of myself. And if, in fact, I had of authored this entry, I would be appropriately appalled at my actions. However, it doesn't take a rocket scientist, a brain surgeon, or a sneaky oldest son to figure out that a mother imposter penned this prose attributed to me.
Although..........certain stated facts are truthful. I do have 3 sons. End of truth.
These 3 sons are my bragging lifetime achievements. Each one possesses a part of me. For so many years they gave me life. Through them I became beautiful, athletic, funny, popular, smart, adventuresome......I lived moments Iowa farm girls have only imagined.
When the last one left home, I thought my life was gone. I realized that the memories were few and did not fill the void. I agonized over missed moments....things that could have been and were not because I felt other now insignificant things had priority.
My sons have returned to bring me new definition. I am a mother-in-law and grandmother. I pray God gives me time and opportunity to make the memories that I previously missed.
To each of my sons: I thank God daily for the joy you bring me. I am still a bit overwhelmed by the fact God entrusted 3 sons to me. But know this, you make me very proud.
Although..........certain stated facts are truthful. I do have 3 sons. End of truth.
These 3 sons are my bragging lifetime achievements. Each one possesses a part of me. For so many years they gave me life. Through them I became beautiful, athletic, funny, popular, smart, adventuresome......I lived moments Iowa farm girls have only imagined.
When the last one left home, I thought my life was gone. I realized that the memories were few and did not fill the void. I agonized over missed moments....things that could have been and were not because I felt other now insignificant things had priority.
My sons have returned to bring me new definition. I am a mother-in-law and grandmother. I pray God gives me time and opportunity to make the memories that I previously missed.
To each of my sons: I thank God daily for the joy you bring me. I am still a bit overwhelmed by the fact God entrusted 3 sons to me. But know this, you make me very proud.
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