Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I was anticipating losing somethings in this new year.........about 5 inches off the waist, some grey out of the hair, some bills. But what I have lost is something I would have never thought. I have lost my husband. Oh, he didn't physically die or anything like that. I could have understood that pain. The man I have been married to for 33 years, who has pastored 4 churches, and was CEO of the Christian organization that we started told me just after Christmas that he was an atheist. Now that bomb was not dropped without warning. I was getting hit with shrapnel before this. He had previously commented that he was having a hard time proving the existence of God.

My logical husband is very "proof" oriented. He can not accept the "just because" phrase that we mothers use when all else fails. One if his favorite phrases to use in commenting on people is that most are "koolaide drinkers". Now I grew up on koolaide, and didn't think of it as a negative thing. I admit that I am a passive person. I do not like to react to things without standing back and taking a good look. I have told my husband that he need not criticize these characteristics, as these traits are what have kept me with him for 33 years.

And I will stay with him for 33 more years. I do not believe in leaving a committment. But now I do believe in praying that this committment gets knocked off/on its ass much like Saul on the Damascus road.

My loss is real. Dreams that I once had are at this point vanished. My husband has not become a bad man. He if anything treats me with more respect and care than before. But some of the ties that bound us together have been severed. He said these thoughts had tormented him for years......that he had been trying to live a life that he did not believe in. And now that he has "gone public" he feels a freedom and a release. His release has become my bondage. I do not want anyone to live a hypocritical one should have to be something they are not. But for the logical mind it is evident that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. His was the action, mine is the reaction.

Now he can present some debates on the nonexistence of God. You would really have to "know your stuff" to go toe to toe with him. Most leave wanting to go toe to butt with him. I do not debate. Takes too much time and energy. When he tells me that you can not logically prove the existence of God, I respond that not all things can or need to be proved. I tell him that for me to stay married to him is totally illogical and can he explain why I should ? (without the use of scriptures because after all he does not believe in the Bible...can't use what you do not believe). Do I stay with him for the great paying job he has? Do I stay with him for the great sex life? Do I stay with him because he is such a handy man to have around the house? No, no, and no. I stay with him becasue there is something inside me that loves him....unexplainable by human standards. I also tell him that the feelings I have on Earth believing in God and an afterlife makes getting up each morning worthwhile. If there were no God or Heaven, and this life was all there was, I would have no reason or joy in getting up each day and might as well die now. But when I die, if there is a God, I will reap the benefits of Heaven. So believing in God benefits me here on Earth and in Heaven. Win/win for me. However for him......not believing in God may make him feel good on Earth, but when he dies and might stand before God, he loses. Win/lose for him.

But there are times when my win/win spirit feels nothing but loss/loss.
And this loss was not what I had intended for this year.
But let my Prayer always be....Lord what are YOUR intentions for me.