Friday, September 25, 2009

Stop the World, I think I have Fallen Off.

It has been a while. My husband is no longer an Atheist. However the other "A" word he still remains. But sometimes we need the "A" around. If something my husband says bothers you (like it does me sometimes) then you have to step back, wade through the verbage, and first say "Does he have a point?" And if the answer is NO......then you can say "that asshole". But if the answer is "yes", then you say "what needs to be done".

If you think you are always right, and always know God's view and need no rebuke from the "A', then you have stopped and smelled too many roses. An always right attitude will screw with you every time.

When we try to put words in God"s mouth.......or rather put our slant on the words already spoken, we are making a mockery of God.

And this is for the person that told me my son was going to hell for saying "Oh Shit" when being hit with mortars on his base in Iraq. (not that you will ever read it.....but I will have the satisfaction of writing it). I grew up in a legalistic Church. I grew up thinking that God may have saved me, but to remain saved I had to dress, act, and do things myself to keep my salvation or that Great Backslide In the SKy would get me. I felt the more rigid and self restrictive life style that I led, the better Christian I was. Mockery. God did not need my long hair, colorless fingernails, holeless ears, dress wearing self to get me into Heaven. Jesus did all that was needed years ago. And you, sir, are very wrong and very ignorant to tell me that if my saved son had of been hit by the mortar and died that he would have went to hell because he said "Oh shit" when he heard it coming in. What a sad and troubled life you must lead. If you need to live a rigid miserable life to feel like a christian, go ahead. But do not dare to tell me that if I do not believe the way you do I am going to hell. Your type has run many people away from the church. And how many times have you left because you felt you could not live up to the standards. God does not need standards to save you. He did what He needed to do. And there is nothing else that needs to be done but to accept.

Now I do believe that you can go too far the other way and think that all things are permissible. This is where the individuality of God's power comes in. God will not work with you the same way He deals with me. For me to say my way is right, or you to say your way is right is stupid. There are absolutes in the Bible that I think we all can agree on.......but there is a lot that is open to interpretation and it is a bit prideful on your part to think that your spin on the Word is correct.

We need to spend more time on "show me Lord what I must do to be saved" than telling others where they are wrong.

And yes, I know that the above statement fits my other half (actually lower, posterior part). He is very vocal in pointing out other's faults. But sometimes in life we need that friend to tell us that our new hair do is crappy, the new outfit makes us look mega fat, and that casserole sucked. Nice isn't always the path. Many times in the Bible God's man told others things they did not like, and did not always do it in a polite way. Go figure.

Be educated enough to listen, assess, determine, and act on what you are told. Of course do not take what everyone says to be will be like a citizen of Jim Jonestown. When you hear something ask "Lord is it you speaking to me?"

We have lost some friends this last year............and I wonder if the friendship was ever really there to start with. Obviously I was the chopped liver in the situation as they got mad at my husband, but cut off communication with me. Go figure.

One last thought......for those that try to make bed partners out of religion and politics.......look for a quickie divorce. God can not be reduced to a political party. He does not play favorites. It is so interesting that those who condemned my husband for speaking bad about "the president" and not supporting say the same type of comments about the current pres. There goes that beam and sliver syndrome. There are stupid people that are Rep and Dem. Some that should never have been elected to office. Then there are those that do not believe the way we do, but make good decisions for our country. I for one do not care if you are a Buddist with 12 wives that refuses blood transfusions...if you can get us out of war, and get jobs back, you got my vote. Go figure.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Have It Your Way

Life is nothing but a continous chain of choices. Each link represents a decision you have made....some are strong and some are weak.

My husband (the "A"......could stand for athetist or asshole....both said with a deep affection) asked the other night "if God knew He would have to send Jesus to die for man's sins, why put THE TREE in THE GARDEN?" My answer was, of course, free will. Servitude out of choice is more desirable than a mandate to serve. I asked him which gave more coming home and spontaneously saying "I Love You", or him saying to me "Delores I Love You", and me going "yeah I love you too". One I elected to say; the other was more like an automated response.

Some choices are a no brainer......or rather should be. I don't have to eat slop to know that it tastes bad. I don't have to smoke crack to know it is addictive. I don't have to bathe in the sewer to know that I'll stink. And I DO NOT have to read my husband's blogspot to know that it is full of crap.

Sometimes we make choices and then want to blame others. Scenario: City workers have blocked off a portion of a road due to numerous pot holes. The sign says "Detour...Road in bad repair. You will not like traveling this road". But we (and only God knows why) go around the sign and speed down the road. bump,bump,bump...there goes the alignment, oops there goes the oil pan....... When we come out the other side the worse for the wear, we call the mayor and complain about that Horrible road we just traveled on and how bad it made us feel. We tell him we just cannot believe that he would allow those kind of roads in this city. ARE WE STUPID??? The warning was there. We were forwarned that the road was not fit for travel. But it was our decision to go around that warning and speed on down. Then we had the nerve to want to complain to the owner of the road about its bad condition. Why did we not heed the sign? Are we like the dog that returns to its vomit?? Are we FOOLS?

We have to be careful of choices. The decisions sowed will reflect upon the harvest reaped. I think many of us would undo some of the options we picked. We would agree with Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood............

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

"Yet knowing how way leads on to way".....a chain of choices that all link together. Oh, You will have it your way.......just make sure you want that harvest.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


I have been thinking a lot about God and Christians these last few weeks. My thoughts were prompted by what the Episcopalian minister put in the newspaper the week of Easter. He said Christians ought to spend more time building bridges of reconciliation instead of walls of separation around them.

That comment of course led me to reflect on my own situation (as if I don't 24/7). My support in this time has come from my "non Christian" that I mean the ones that I have a work relationship with, those that I do not "discuss" God with. All the friends that I have that proclaim that they love God and are good Christains have left me standing alone. Even the minister that pastored the church we were attending at the time of my husband's "revelation", who told me that he would still consider himself my pastor, has not contacted me after that fateful visit with my husband. He knows where I work....I have worked here 22 years. He has visited with me at my job. I wonder why I have not gotten a word of support from him? Other "christians" have been quick to throw down my husband, but have not called to check on me or to give me an encouraging word. Sad.

So I have to first ask if I have been guilty of the same.....and I probably have. God forgive me. Then I am ashamed of myself for needing or wanting the support of others. Should I not be able to stand as a Christian on my own two feet?

I am ashamed of myself and I am ashamed of those that call themselves Christians. My husband, the out of the closet athetist, says that religion does nothing but "mess" people up. How can I prove him wrong? His best ammunition is coming from the Christian community. And I feel like I am the one that is getting shot, with no protection, day after day after day afterdayafterdayafterday.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Losing..........Chapter 2

Collateral Damage......That which is incidental to the intended outcome. Usually associtated with battle.

2 of my sons have "found out" about their father. Relationships that had been shakey at best are now a pulverized pile of.......crap. In an effort to reform their father, they have decided to "tough love" him out of his ideology. This consists of not allowing him to see his grandchildren until he "sees the light".

While I do not agree with my husband's thoughts, I also do not agree with these actions of my sons. So I have put my self on restrictions as well. No matter what my husband believes, this does not remove from him his grandfather's heart. I will not see my grandchildren without their grandfather with me.

I asked them did they think this all the way through? What did they think I was going to do about this? My staying with their father does not mean that I support him in his actions. It means that besides obeying scripture, I have a 33 year committment that I do not run out on. Actually it seems now that I am the only person who has not run out on him. Support...I do not get from anyone. What I once got pleasure from has been my choosing I will admit.

Collateral seems in my sons' efforts to win this war they forgot about me. Or do not care.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I was anticipating losing somethings in this new year.........about 5 inches off the waist, some grey out of the hair, some bills. But what I have lost is something I would have never thought. I have lost my husband. Oh, he didn't physically die or anything like that. I could have understood that pain. The man I have been married to for 33 years, who has pastored 4 churches, and was CEO of the Christian organization that we started told me just after Christmas that he was an atheist. Now that bomb was not dropped without warning. I was getting hit with shrapnel before this. He had previously commented that he was having a hard time proving the existence of God.

My logical husband is very "proof" oriented. He can not accept the "just because" phrase that we mothers use when all else fails. One if his favorite phrases to use in commenting on people is that most are "koolaide drinkers". Now I grew up on koolaide, and didn't think of it as a negative thing. I admit that I am a passive person. I do not like to react to things without standing back and taking a good look. I have told my husband that he need not criticize these characteristics, as these traits are what have kept me with him for 33 years.

And I will stay with him for 33 more years. I do not believe in leaving a committment. But now I do believe in praying that this committment gets knocked off/on its ass much like Saul on the Damascus road.

My loss is real. Dreams that I once had are at this point vanished. My husband has not become a bad man. He if anything treats me with more respect and care than before. But some of the ties that bound us together have been severed. He said these thoughts had tormented him for years......that he had been trying to live a life that he did not believe in. And now that he has "gone public" he feels a freedom and a release. His release has become my bondage. I do not want anyone to live a hypocritical one should have to be something they are not. But for the logical mind it is evident that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. His was the action, mine is the reaction.

Now he can present some debates on the nonexistence of God. You would really have to "know your stuff" to go toe to toe with him. Most leave wanting to go toe to butt with him. I do not debate. Takes too much time and energy. When he tells me that you can not logically prove the existence of God, I respond that not all things can or need to be proved. I tell him that for me to stay married to him is totally illogical and can he explain why I should ? (without the use of scriptures because after all he does not believe in the Bible...can't use what you do not believe). Do I stay with him for the great paying job he has? Do I stay with him for the great sex life? Do I stay with him because he is such a handy man to have around the house? No, no, and no. I stay with him becasue there is something inside me that loves him....unexplainable by human standards. I also tell him that the feelings I have on Earth believing in God and an afterlife makes getting up each morning worthwhile. If there were no God or Heaven, and this life was all there was, I would have no reason or joy in getting up each day and might as well die now. But when I die, if there is a God, I will reap the benefits of Heaven. So believing in God benefits me here on Earth and in Heaven. Win/win for me. However for him......not believing in God may make him feel good on Earth, but when he dies and might stand before God, he loses. Win/lose for him.

But there are times when my win/win spirit feels nothing but loss/loss.
And this loss was not what I had intended for this year.
But let my Prayer always be....Lord what are YOUR intentions for me.