Have It Your Way

Life is nothing but a continous chain of choices. Each link represents a decision you have made....some are strong and some are weak.

My husband (the "A"......could stand for athetist or asshole....both said with a deep affection) asked the other night "if God knew He would have to send Jesus to die for man's sins, why put THE TREE in THE GARDEN?" My answer was, of course, free will. Servitude out of choice is more desirable than a mandate to serve. I asked him which gave more pleasure.....my coming home and spontaneously saying "I Love You", or him saying to me "Delores I Love You", and me going "yeah I love you too". One I elected to say; the other was more like an automated response.

Some choices are a no brainer......or rather should be. I don't have to eat slop to know that it tastes bad. I don't have to smoke crack to know it is addictive. I don't have to bathe in the sewer to know that I'll stink. And I DO NOT have to read my husband's blogspot to know that it is full of crap.

Sometimes we make choices and then want to blame others. Scenario: City workers have blocked off a portion of a road due to numerous pot holes. The sign says "Detour...Road in bad repair. You will not like traveling this road". But we (and only God knows why) go around the sign and speed down the road. bump,bump,bump...there goes the alignment, oops there goes the oil pan....... When we come out the other side the worse for the wear, we call the mayor and complain about that Horrible road we just traveled on and how bad it made us feel. We tell him we just cannot believe that he would allow those kind of roads in this city. ARE WE STUPID??? The warning was there. We were forwarned that the road was not fit for travel. But it was our decision to go around that warning and speed on down. Then we had the nerve to want to complain to the owner of the road about its bad condition. Why did we not heed the sign? Are we like the dog that returns to its vomit?? Are we FOOLS?

We have to be careful of choices. The decisions sowed will reflect upon the harvest reaped. I think many of us would undo some of the options we picked. We would agree with Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood............


Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



"Yet knowing how way leads on to way".....a chain of choices that all link together. Oh, You will have it your way.......just make sure you want that harvest.

ASHAMED

I have been thinking a lot about God and Christians these last few weeks. My thoughts were prompted by what the Episcopalian minister put in the newspaper the week of Easter. He said Christians ought to spend more time building bridges of reconciliation instead of walls of separation around them.

That comment of course led me to reflect on my own situation (as if I don't 24/7). My support in this time has come from my "non Christian" friends.....by that I mean the ones that I have a work relationship with, those that I do not "discuss" God with. All the friends that I have that proclaim that they love God and are good Christains have left me standing alone. Even the minister that pastored the church we were attending at the time of my husband's "revelation", who told me that he would still consider himself my pastor, has not contacted me after that fateful visit with my husband. He knows where I work....I have worked here 22 years. He has visited with me at my job. I wonder why I have not gotten a word of support from him? Other "christians" have been quick to throw down my husband, but have not called to check on me or to give me an encouraging word. Sad.

So I have to first ask if I have been guilty of the same.....and I probably have. God forgive me. Then I am ashamed of myself for needing or wanting the support of others. Should I not be able to stand as a Christian on my own two feet?

I am ashamed of myself and I am ashamed of those that call themselves Christians. My husband, the out of the closet athetist, says that religion does nothing but "mess" people up. How can I prove him wrong? His best ammunition is coming from the Christian community. And I feel like I am the one that is getting shot, with no protection, day after day after day afterdayafterdayafterday.

Losing..........Chapter 2

Collateral Damage......That which is incidental to the intended outcome. Usually associtated with battle.

2 of my sons have "found out" about their father. Relationships that had been shakey at best are now a pulverized pile of.......crap. In an effort to reform their father, they have decided to "tough love" him out of his ideology. This consists of not allowing him to see his grandchildren until he "sees the light".

While I do not agree with my husband's thoughts, I also do not agree with these actions of my sons. So I have put my self on restrictions as well. No matter what my husband believes, this does not remove from him his grandfather's heart. I will not see my grandchildren without their grandfather with me.

I asked them did they think this all the way through? What did they think I was going to do about this? My staying with their father does not mean that I support him in his actions. It means that besides obeying scripture, I have a 33 year committment that I do not run out on. Actually it seems now that I am the only person who has not run out on him. Support...I do not get from anyone. What I once got pleasure from has been removed....at my choosing I will admit.

Collateral Damage....it seems in my sons' efforts to win this war they forgot about me. Or do not care.

losing

I was anticipating losing somethings in this new year.........about 5 inches off the waist, some grey out of the hair, some bills. But what I have lost is something I would have never thought. I have lost my husband. Oh, he didn't physically die or anything like that. I could have understood that pain. The man I have been married to for 33 years, who has pastored 4 churches, and was CEO of the Christian organization that we started told me just after Christmas that he was an atheist. Now that bomb was not dropped without warning. I was getting hit with shrapnel before this. He had previously commented that he was having a hard time proving the existence of God.

My logical husband is very "proof" oriented. He can not accept the "just because" phrase that we mothers use when all else fails. One if his favorite phrases to use in commenting on people is that most are "koolaide drinkers". Now I grew up on koolaide, and didn't think of it as a negative thing. I admit that I am a passive person. I do not like to react to things without standing back and taking a good look. I have told my husband that he need not criticize these characteristics, as these traits are what have kept me with him for 33 years.

And I will stay with him for 33 more years. I do not believe in leaving a committment. But now I do believe in praying that this committment gets knocked off/on its ass much like Saul on the Damascus road.

My loss is real. Dreams that I once had are at this point vanished. My husband has not become a bad man. He if anything treats me with more respect and care than before. But some of the ties that bound us together have been severed. He said these thoughts had tormented him for years......that he had been trying to live a life that he did not believe in. And now that he has "gone public" he feels a freedom and a release. His release has become my bondage. I do not want anyone to live a hypocritical life.............no one should have to be something they are not. But for the logical mind it is evident that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. His was the action, mine is the reaction.

Now he can present some debates on the nonexistence of God. You would really have to "know your stuff" to go toe to toe with him. Most leave wanting to go toe to butt with him. I do not debate. Takes too much time and energy. When he tells me that you can not logically prove the existence of God, I respond that not all things can or need to be proved. I tell him that for me to stay married to him is totally illogical and can he explain why I should ? (without the use of scriptures because after all he does not believe in the Bible...can't use what you do not believe). Do I stay with him for the great paying job he has? Do I stay with him for the great sex life? Do I stay with him because he is such a handy man to have around the house? No, no, and no. I stay with him becasue there is something inside me that loves him....unexplainable by human standards. I also tell him that the feelings I have on Earth believing in God and an afterlife makes getting up each morning worthwhile. If there were no God or Heaven, and this life was all there was, I would have no reason or joy in getting up each day and might as well die now. But when I die, if there is a God, I will reap the benefits of Heaven. So believing in God benefits me here on Earth and in Heaven. Win/win for me. However for him......not believing in God may make him feel good on Earth, but when he dies and might stand before God, he loses. Win/lose for him.

But there are times when my win/win spirit feels nothing but loss/loss.
And this loss was not what I had intended for this year.
But let my Prayer always be....Lord what are YOUR intentions for me.

Bad to the Bone

To the fans of the movie "The Terminator", the song lyrics "bad to the bone" evoke an image of Arnold Swartzeneggar dressed in black leather, sunglasses, riding a motorcycle. Just one glimpse and you knew he was the real thing.
When something is said to be "to the bone", it is interpreted as being completely involved. The subject in question is totally encompassed and permeated.
Have you ever reached into a bag of peaches and as you grabbed an overly ripe one, the skin peeled back? Some people wear their Christianity like an overly ripe peach peel. They are Christ like when things are going great, but when a little pressure gets applied, that likeness gets stripped away.
Do we have Christ to the bone? How involved is Jesus in our lives? Is He superficial, or does He saturate our existence? Jesus can not be just a part of our life. His desire is that He be "to the bone".....the all encompassing. all involved. all permeating Lord.


Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, and I am the clay.
Mould me an make me After Thy will,
While I am waiting Yielded and still.

"Just like a Tree...."

One evening we took a walk along the river with some visiting friends. It was a quiet, relaxing, scenic activity that was suitable for the end of a long day.

At this particular time, the water level of the river was significantly lower than usual. This had left exposed to view the roots of the trees that grew along the riverbank. These massive roots were so intertangled that is was difficult to determine which root belonged to which tree. Looking at the combined strength of these roots, it was apparent what had held these trees in place over the years. A lone tree could not have withstood the surging power of the flowing water; however, as a combined unit they could withstand the force of floods and the river debris that rammed into them. What was the weakness of the one became the strength of many.

This is true of the fellowship of belivers. We do not all have the same assets and liabilities. My weakness is someone else's strength. We are able to overcome adversity by unity with others of like faith.

Exodus chapter 17 speaks about Israel's battle against Amalek. Verse 11 tells of Moses on top of a hill and when his hands were held up, Israel prevailed. But when Moses let his hands down, Amalek prevailed. Verse 12 talks about Moses becoming tired...."but Moses' hands were
heavy". It was them that Aaron and Hur "supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." The battle was won not because of the strength and obedience of one man. The enemy was defeated because when one believer became weak in his battle for the Lord, others came to his side and let their strengths pick up where his weakness left off.

As believers we are not to let diversity be a divider. Instead the uniqueness of each person is a
strength that will bind us together.

"If I trust Him ever, I shall not be moved
In His love I'm hiding, I shall not be moved
Just like a tree planted by the waters,
Lord, I shall not be moved."

And Speaking For The Defense..........

Last November my husband and I attended the National Conference on Christian Apologetics in Charlotte, North Carolina. We were priviledged to hear some of the foremost defenders of the faith......Josh and Sean McDowell, John Ankerberg, Norman Geisler, Chuck Colson. However, it was the speaker my husband heard on the journey home that made the greatest impact.

We had stopped for a visit at my son's home in South Carolina. It was there on a Sunday morning that my husband, ever inquisitive, decided to attend the nearby community church. The story he told upon his return stirred me from within.

He said it was a humble church. It wasn't an architectural achievement like the building we had just visited in Charlotte. Many of the congregation would not have been welcomed in some churches. They appeared to be the outcasts of religious society. Before beginning his message, the pastor asked if anyone had a special song they wanted to sing. A young lady stood up. Her physical appearance was that of someone familiar with street life. With head downcast and looking no one in the face, she stepped from the pew and walked to the front of the church. She carried with her a grocery bag filled with what seemed to be her belongings. When she reached the front, she sat the sack down and opened a hymnal. She began to read these words:

Amazing grace! how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.

With her head still bowed, she concluded by saying "I thank Jesus that He saved me".


God spoke to my husband's spirit and told him that this was the message people needed to hear. God said of all that we had heard this weekend, this Truth was the greatest.

Now, I am not a theologian. I can't debate the existence of God. I can, however, identify with the beggar in John chapter 9 who had been blind from birth. The disciples questioned Jesus as to the reason for this man's blindness. They wanted to know who had sinned....he or his parents. Jesus replied that sin was not the reason. His blindness was so the the works of God could be displayed. Jesus then spit on the ground, made some clay, applied it to the beggar's blinded eyes, and commanded that he go wash in the pool at Saloam. When the beggar returned, his eyesight had been restored. The religious society became upset. They questioned who this man was that performed this sign. If Jesus had been of God, surely He would not have performed this work on the Sabbath. But if a sinner, how could He have power to do this? They asked the man who had been given back his sight and he replied, "Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that whereas I was blind, now I see".

He wasn't a theologian either. He couldn't argue who Jesus was. All he could testify about is what happened when he felt the touch of Jesus.

I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.

And this is the greatest Truth that any of us will ever know.

Amen.